A funny thing happened on the way to the high school

Two things happened last week:

1. I got mistaken for a German tourist.
2. A student asked me out--DURING CLASS.

First the First: So I leave the library one day, hungry as usual, and discover a little sammy place where I stop in to try a hot panini. I'm the only customer, so of course the sammy-man wants to have a little chat. As is wont to happen when I open my mouth to speak French with a solid foreign-type accent, he's all, "So where in Germany are you from?" Keep in mind the French words for German and American are sort of similar, or, well, ok not really, but at least they both start with "A": Allemagne and Amérique. So I had opened my mouth to say New York but then realized he was saying Allemagne and quite embarrassingly choked on my own breath as I tried to take back my answer and blurt out a "QUOI? COMMENT?" instead.

But woohoo! for me speaking and looking German-y, haha!

Second the Second: Later that same week I'm in class, trying to have and getting nowhere with yet another discussion about immigration. So I decide it's a good idea if I do the goofy dance and play a game of hangman with the students instead. Then, a few minutes before the bell rings I politely ask if anyone has any questions for me, because, duh, I'm here to teach them good things about our fabulous English language and life in America. The class clown pipes up and is all, "I would like to know if you will go to a movie with me!" The other boys in the class, who until this point had been slouching and acting a bit bored, sat up like a fire had been lit under their desks and started laughing and staring at me to see how harsh the rejection would be. But ooooh they don't know Americans very well, now, do they! They got another good laugh when I said, "Well, I only like science fiction, can you keep up with that?" And the poor boy just giggled and didn't have any good comebacks to that one.

And then, in the very next class that exact same day, in response to my "Do you have any questions for me?" the students asked if I had a boyfriend. Sheesh. When I answered in the negative, the students were quite excited to tell me about one of their teachers, whose qualifications were the following: aged about 50, divorced with one kid, but he looks like George Clooney and is "a hot rabbit."

QUOI-COMMENT? What the hell is a hot rabbit in ANY LANGUAGE.

Whatevs, the most important thing about the week was that we decided to have a Fiesta night, with tortillas and tequila! Woohoo!

PTPO, Fiesta Queen

We again mélange-ed some international partyers (partiers? damn, I know both are correct but NEITHER of them look like real words. And NO I'm not drunk! Yet.) with a dinner table full of Americans, Frenchies, a Brit, and even a "Greek that looks like a Mexican" (lol! Saint Denis your English is coming along nicely heh heh).

How do you finish up a week like that? Perhaps a trip to Aix-en-Provence, you say?
To be continued...

kK

You little phoquer!

So I just learned that if you finish a bottle of wine (or champagne) on New Year's you're supposed to be married by the end of the year. Well, if that's true then I should have been married at 16. Just sayin'.

Yar, so we're eating dinner tonight at the dinner table, watching tv and chatting as usual. Well, everyone else is chatting, I'm happily absorbed in shoveling in pasta and green beans as quickly as I can into my black hole (also read: stomach). And then I hear Madame say, "ooh, fuck!" and I choke and nearly spew bits of half-mashed veggies into Benjamin's water glass across the table. Madame looks at me, all innocent-eyed confusion, and I was like "QUOI?! COMMENT?!" And she points to the tv, where all I see are a bunch of seals and icebergs and furry-hatted humans. I start giggling, b/c I am immature, and Benjamin (who speaks really good English) is like, "haha, no, it's 'fuck!'" like that's supposed to help me, so I swallow the last bits of the mouthful I managed to not let fly and start laughing again, b/c by this point I knew it had to be a French word I was lost-in-translate-ing. Sure enough, they both spell out p-h-o-q-u-e, and point again to the tv (which by this point has a close-up of one of the seals) and keep saying "fuck, fuck, fuck!" And I seriously can not stop laughing. Even now, like 5 hours later.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Off to the library to return some books...I never even made it out of my jams yesterday, much less the apartment, so I figure it's about time to get some fresh air, even if only for about 20 minutes!

kK

I'm not drunk, I'm just trying to speak French!

HA! Out at a bar one night, Pull The Prick Out pulls THIS witty comment out of her alcohol-muddled head. The poor girl was giving it her all in a conversation en français with the only Frenchman in our party, and we all kept saying, QUOI? COMMENT? What You Say? Damn, Girl Is WASTED.

And at the 'wasted' comment PTPO, heavy-lidded eyes barely focusing on her accuser, loudly proclaimed her alcohol-innocent lack of language inhibitions with what has to be the greatest quote of all time for us 'Muricans in Paris: "I'm Not Drunk, I'm Just Trying To Speak French!"

I laughed so hard the bartender told us all to be quiet.

I'm too loud to even be in a BAR.

Anyway, PTPO's declaration is actually quite apropos...me speaking French is just simply hilarious--I've never felt stupider, or more muddled, or, let's face it, more funny, than I do when I'm trying to communicate with what I think is a pretty good accent (but one that apparently ISN'T). I'm getting to the point where I can't even really speak English, either! HAHA!

So basically, yeah, I should just shut up now and listen to more Mika...LOVE HIM. Let's put in a link to one of his songs, just for fun: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sknDfB3pJB8
Or maybe this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WknXCcVThI&feature=fvst

kK

I'm having the babysitter for dinner...

Well, today started off well...I 'tutored' the 4 year old this morning, but she was having none of it. I should have known something was up when her mother left the room, saying: 'now, be nice to Kathryn today...' ah shit.

We began with colors, and she actually repeated everything I said really well. Then we tried shapes, but she was like, NON we are finished. And I was like, quoi? comment? No sirree we are NOT finished. But then it was all downhill...I kept speaking in English, and she was like ARRET! So I of course ignored her and kept saying words and phrases in English in response to her outbursts of French. She kept telling me to stop talking, stop laughing, it's not funny! (which of course made me laugh even harder.) She started running around the room, picking up her dolls and hiding from me, telling me to stop looking at her. So I pretended to enjoy the game and staggered after her, holding up a coloring book and asking if she wanted to color something, goddammit! (no, I didn't actually swear out loud, but dude, inside...pfff!) AND THEN she busted out 'you're not pretty! I'm TOO pretty! You have no friends! You are evil! I will cut off your face and eat it!'

OK, so all but the last was true...she definitely said something about mange-ing something, which would have been funny except the look in her eyes gave me the "woah, back off Mademoiselle Lecter" vibes.

She kept leaving the room and trying to color on the walls...I was swinging her around and instigating sword fights with our pens, and when her mom came back in (probably b/c we were making so many weird noises and opening and closing doors) we tag-team finished the 'lesson' with a more subdued-but-still-glowering little girl trying to stuff her dolls into her pink backpack and go off on a roadtrip. I told her mom next time I was bringing some damn Sesame Street...viva la television!

kK

Tutor (also read, in best jim carey voice: leh-hooo-zeh-hehr!)

Since the teaching gig is only 12 hours a week, I gots to earn me some extra cash, and luckily I've gotten a few tutoring requests: The Spanish Family--daughter is about 9, son is about 6 (holy crap that little dude is just too friggin adorable!!!) and they're so well-behaved, both of them! They just smile a lot and very studiously show me their lessons they need help with, and they try really, really hard to follow my corrections in pronunciation. I'm like, you're too young to be so well-organized! Stop speaking three languages and making my lazy American, one-and-a-half-language self all embarrassed, like!

Then there's the 4 year old French girl, also super adorable, but it's pretty much just an hour of 'babysitting'...I point to letters of the alphabet and go over them slowly and clearly in English, she ignores me and draws incomprehensible objects on little pieces of paper with various crayons. Then she tries to get ME to say the alphabet in FRENCH. I just keep repeating things like "YELLOW" until she finally looks at me funny and goes "wewwo" and I'm like PERFECT--NOW DO IT AGAIN YOU LITTLE HO.

Saint-Denis is, thank god, quite a bit older...final year in university (or master's degree, or something...I still can't figure out how this school system works, even when people try to speak slowly and explain it like I'm leotarded), and he's just landed a two-month stint at some job where he needs to speak a lot of English, so he just wants to practice by having a conversation over un cafe (omg he orders DECAF esspresso...I just looked at him and was like, dude, are you even French?) en anglais. He gets so frustrated when he makes little mistakes (saying 'persons' instead of 'people') but really, he does just fine...he's a sweet, serious little perfectionist...his new boss is going to love him (especially seeing as how said boss doesn't even speak English!). So what if he can't understand a word Chandler says in an un-dubbed episode of "Friends"; I'm sure he can hold his own when it comes to discussing agricultural practices of the EU. It's actually fun to talk to him, and by now we're more friends than tutor/client, so I just told him to buy me a beer next time and we'll do both English AND French so I can practice too. Seriously, I gotta start speaking more French...listening to music and TV (omg sometimes I even leave the TV on all night just in case it helps train my brain to dream in French or something. I know, I'm crazy.) only does so much...

**kK Tangent 806**

...but wait! I just remembered something TOTALLY awesome! I was in the internet store finalizing my order on Friday, and there was a Brazilian girl being helped by the same lady who was on hold with the phone company for me...anyway, long story short, there was a language barrier and the internet lady looked over at me and was like, um, will you help me? So I got to translate for two complete strangers, telling the Brazilian lady what the internet lady needed from her to get her new blackberry working! It was pretty basic, granted, but still...I was like *puffpuffpuff* ego-getting-bigger. And then, of course, I went to a cafe and ordered une carafe d'eau, and the waiter was like, QUOI?? COMMENT?? oh, UNE CARAFE D'EAU? (yes, goddammit! that's what I just friggin said!) and then: "why yes, I will bring you water right away." in english. le sigh.

**possible end to kK Tangent 806**

Well, it's either time for a shower or another glass of wine...let's make a wild guess as to which one wins out tonight.

kK